All wired up

Anyone who's ever had the immense pleasure of sharing a bed/hotel room/cabin/tent with me knows that I now and then occasionally frequently often almost always snore fiercely enough to rock the heavens. My snoring can get so loud sometimes that it actually wakes ME up. Seriously, I'm surprised we don't have stress fractures in our bedroom windows. If it weren't for the advent of ear plugs, I'd probably be single. I've always just chalked it up to the extra 10-20 lbs I've been carrying around these past few years. I have one of those weird bodies that accumulates excess body fat in limited areas (in my case, my abdomen, face and neck) while the rest of me remains lean and mean. I figured that the fat was constricting my airway while lying supine.

 

What I didn't know, until my partner brought it to my attention, is that I sometimes thrash about in my sleep and experience occasional apneic episodes, during which I literally stop breathing for up to a minute, then gasp and choke for air. That moved my snoring out of the box marked "annoyances" and into the "health risks" one. Since I'm well aware of the potential dangers of untreated sleep apnea, I approached my primary care physician with the idea of participating in a sleep study. He agreed and made the necessary arrangements.

I wanted to stay close to home, so I utilized a sleep disorders clinic affiliated with a hospital here in the MetroWest. I expected the study to be conducted in a "clinical" setting (beige walls, fluorescent lights, hospital beds, antiseptic smell, etc.). I was surprised (and delighted) that the hospital had recently expanded their "sleep lab" into the local Sheraton Hotel. I shit you not. Four rooms on the top floor have been fitted with biotelemetry devices. So instead of walking into this:

I walked into this (actual photo, taken with my phone cam):

SWEET!, I thought. A nice king size bed all to myself for a night, courtesy of Blue Cross/Blue Shield. I won't bore you with the 4,000 things I HATE about my current bed. At least Jeff and I agree that when we move into the new house, the old bedroom furniture won't be moving in with us.

Before I could dive in and make bed angels, though, the sleep disorders technician knocked on my door and told me to don the clothes in which I'd be sleeping. Yes, he left the room while I did so. He returned a short while later and started prepping me for the study. Now, being a self-sufficient man, I'm not used to having someone spend 30 minutes getting me all gussied up.

   

Ain't I a purty sight? I look like I'm being assimilated into the Borg collective.

I thought I was a clever patient technician when I mastered the placement of a 12 lead ECG. Well, this kid taped, strapped and glued almost 40 leads on me without blinking an eye. I was impressed. In addition to the get-up which measured the activities of my brain, heart, eyes, jaw, throat, legs, and lungs, there was also a microphone and a night-vision camera pointed at the bed. I tried my best to not handle or scratch at my bits and pieces that night. I didn't want to end up on the sleep center's gag reel at the end of the year.

Miraculously, I fell asleep in minutes and was actually disappointed six hours later when the disembodied voice emanating from the night stand told me it was time to wake up. Why, oh why couldn't sleep studies last  'til noon? Sigh

Though he's legally restricted from rendering a medical diagnosis, the technician was able to say that my blood oxygen level remained high enough to rule out an immediate intervention, but that there was "strong evidence" of excessively loud snoring. (I love tech talk, since I'm pretty good at it, too.) The data will be sent to the doctor back at the clinic, who will interpret the findings and notify my primary care physician. I should know the results in a couple of weeks. If it turns out that I need to be fitted with a CPAP machine, and have to repeat the study, I know which room I'm requesting!!

Comments

[Lyss]

I went to one at a hotel in Norwood last year... (I forget the name of the hotel, it's in an office park, sort of near that Boch used car dealership.) It was a bizarre experience.

[Patrick]

I wondered what those women looked like under their burka!

[Will]

Oh, I do so wish they'd had this technology (with or without the hotel) when I was growing up. We lived in a little shit-box apartment in Queens, NY and my father's thunderous snoring could be heard vividly through the thin walls.

Because of my profession, I look at all that wiring hanging off you and think it could be the beginning of an interesting costume design!